I don't feel mad. I don't feel shocked. The numbers don't even affect me anymore 3, 16, 32, 50.

The numbers increase. Nothing changes.

I consider myself an optimistic person. I consider myself a hopeful person. I give people the benefit of the doubt. I find the lessons to be learned. I count two steps forward and one step back as a success. 

But I was 16 when I experienced gun violence firsthand and now every year brings another tragedy. Columbine. Virginia Tech. Sandy Hook. Now a new deadliest shooting in American history. Orlando. 

I feel helpless - even worse - I feel hopeless.

I have to believe we care. I have to believe we want better but nothing ever changes and I'm beginning to believe nothing ever will.