Am I making my child afraid?

When I was a little girl, I had a poster hanging on the wall next to my bed. The poster was of Minnie Mouse and Daisy Duck sharing a sundae in a 1950s dinner. I was CONVINCED that if I fell asleep facing the poster I would have nightmares, usually involving vampires.

I was afraid of vampires and spiders and ghosts. My father once let me watch Unsolved Mysteries, so I was terrified of being kidnapped. I also remember watching the television movie I Know My First Name Is Steven, based on the real life abduction of Steven Staynor, and being thoroughly traumatized.

I assume that these were normal childhood fears, and I don’t believe I suffer from any long-term consequences. My parents told me there was nothing to be afraid of and in a way they were right. The thing that ended up filling my childhood with scary images and long-term trauma was something no one saw coming.

Of course, now as a parent, I see the scary things that haunt children from a completely different perspective. Neither of my children are particularly fearful. I’ve only seem Amos shake with fear once and that was only over a particularly pesky fly.

However, I wonder if this has made me too complacent in a way. Recently, Griffin has basically had to tell me something was too scary for him. 

The first time it was the real world nightmare of the Syrian civil war. I was listening to NPR and a report of the chemical weapons being used on the Syrian people. When Griffin asked me what they were talking about, I explained a bad man far away was using chemicals to hurt people.

“I don’t want to listen to this. I shouldn’t listen to things about people dying.” 

I was stung. He was right. I’ve always tried to be honest with him and take a hands off approach in my parenting. However, sometimes I forget I do need to protect him from the scary things in life.  The second time we were watching Epic and he informed me that this wasn’t a good kids movie and it was scaring him.

Both times I was left feeling like a bit of a failure. I feel strongly that my job is not to always protect my children but to teach them to protect themselves. I stay calm and encourage them to step into their fears – not away from. Some of this is my own personal fear… of being afraid. Being fearful is the only thing I can’t stomach. If I feel myself pulling back or clenching in fear, I step further into it. I try (although not always successfully) to make decisions out of confidence – not out of fear. 

However, I’ve realized that’s more an attitude towards change or new experiences – not an attitude towards all things scary. I’m not running to the theater for every new Saw film, and you wouldn’t catch me at a haunted house. I’m not interested in fear for fear’s sake.

I’m just not sure how to tell the difference when it comes to my kids. How do I teach them to try new things and to recognize fear for the paralyzing and often detrimental emotion it often is without inadvertently giving them more the be afraid of? How do I find the line between fostering independence and fostering fears?

I definitely haven’t discovered the answer and I suspect the line will be different with every child. 

As we get closer and closer to the fright fest that is Halloween, I’m wondering how do you deal with your kids’ fears?

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5 Apps That I Can't Live Without

I use my iPhone for everything. EVERYTHING. I don’t just use it to text or check Facebook or take pictures. I use it to stay organized in basically every area of my life from work to parenting to home organization.

At least once a day, I tell someone about an app I love and what it does. Usually, I am met with shock that they didn’t know this perfect app existed and excitement over what it could do for them.

Then I have to spell said app about five times as they download it on the spot.

I know it seems like technology often makes our lives more complicated but, in my experience, if you can stop being intimidated and stay confident through a learning curve, these apps can make your life much, much easier.

Evernote

This is my digital brain. Every note, every article, every blog post idea, every school calendar, every event plan, every vacation itinerary. It ALL goes here. 

In fact, Evernote is really MUCH more than an app. There is an online version, a desktop version, an iPad app, and iPhone app. They all sync, which means all the information we gather on a daily basis is available to us where ever we are.

Amazing.

Now, you cannot be intimidated. This is a powerful program but it can do as much or as little as you want. All you have to do is start using it! Here’s an a great article to give you an idea of what it can do.

Moment Garden

How often as a mom do you think “I need to write this down!”? If you’re like me, a lot. A funny quote, a silly dance, a great question. Kids are full of those little moments we all want to capture.

Now… how often do you actually record those moments?

For a long time, I would post them to Facebook or in a random notebook or in my journal. Then, I realized I would have no way of actually keeping all these digital and analog snippets of my children’s childhood. 

Then, I found Moment Garden. Now, all those little moments are in one – secure – place. I can email a moment. Upload a Facebook status or a photo. Each boy has their own “garden” and members of my family get email alerts when I post.

I absolutely love it.

Grocery iQ

Shared grocery lists, people! Meaning I notice we’ve run out of eggs and my husband knows this when we stops at the store on his way home!!

Do I REALLY need to say anything else?!?

Twist

UPDATE: Sadly, Twist is defunct but WAZE has this capability now! 

Listen, kids make you run late. It’s just the reality. They are slow. They can’t tie their own shoes. They’re lollygaggers is what I’m trying to say. 

Add in traffic of any kind and you’ve got a situation.

Twist is a fantastic app that let’s people know you are on your way. Meeting a play group? Send a twist to the group – don’t worry they don’t need the app! – and Twist will track your GPS and give them updates about when you will arrive.

I love it for when we travel. My mom ALWAYS wants us to text her when we arrive and I ALWAYS forget. Now, I just send twists to all our parents and move on!

This American Life

Some apps keep your organized. Some apps keep you sane.

Let Ira Glass save your from toddler conversation and entertain, educate, and enlighten you in the process. 

BONUS: Not every mom needs this app, but if you are a blogger or work in social media then sign up for Buffer and let it change. your. life. I am obsessed!

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Everything you know about "stranger danger" is wrong! FREE WEBINAR with Safety Expert Pattie Fitzgerald

Last year, I read a post by Checklist Mommy entitled Tricky People Are the New Strangers. In the post, Sarah shares the advice she learned from child safety expert Pattie Fitzgerald on how to protect your children from child predators. 

At this point, I had already written my own post about how I believe the emphasis we place on sex offender registries is misplaced. Finally, I had an expert explaining how to place the emphasis on your child and teaching him or her to protect themselves.   

In fact, I was so impressed I immediately emailed Pattie and said I wanted to interview her, which I did on Salt & Nectar last year.

When I recently decided to launch bluegrass redhead Webinars, I knew EXACTLY who I wanted for my first expert - Pattie Fitzgerald. Every interaction I've ever had with Pattie has left me impressed and hungering for more. She knows the insides and outs of how children think and how predators prey on that. Her advice is incredibly insightful, useful and easy to follow and I can't WAIT for all of you to meet her.

My Webinar with Pattie will be Thursday, September 12th, at 8pm CST . So, put the kids to bed (or distract them with pizza if you're on the West Coast) and come learn some seriously useful information on how to protect your kids. 

The webinar will last approximately an hour and you can listen through your computer or phone. However, there is LIMITED SPACE  so REGISTER HERE and RESERVE YOUR SPACE!

The Cost of Childhood

Sometimes I wonder how many kids I would have if money wasn’t a consideration.

As my husband and I contemplate baby #3, it’s our primary concern. Yes, you are sleep-deprived. Yes, they have meltdowns and eventually learn to crawl out of their cribs. Yes, they ruin your furniture. But all the stresses and struggles of raising small children are – generally speaking – temporary.

Before you know it, they are walking and talking and taking the ACT. But they never get cheaper. In fact, quit the opposite. They just get more damn expensive.

Obviously, my family has chosen one of the options The Other Sarah alluded to in her post on the high cost of raising a child. We moved to a smaller market. I am pretty honest about the many motivations behind our move to Paducah – one of which was undoubtedly the lower cost of living.

If I was to estimate the cost of raising Griffin his first year, I would put it at less than half the national average of $27,000. But even with fulltime daycare costing $900 a month instead of $4000, that’s still $11,000.

And again, babies are expensive but teenagers will bleed. you. dry.

So, what is a parent to do?

At the end of the day, it would be irresponsible to ignore financial considerations. Of course, we have to think about daycare costs and insurance premiums and college savings.

However, it can’t be the only thing we consider. The decision to grow your family has to involve more than math. For me, that meant looking down at a teeny tiny Amos when he was only a few hours old and thinking, “This is not my last baby.”

I just knew. I knew it deep down in the deepest part of myself. It was part gut, part heart, part instinct. Our family is not finished and all the scare tactics and statistics can’t convince me otherwise. Everything worth having costs something. Children are no different.

And no – because I know you’re thinking it – it’s not about wanting a girl. If I knew with a 100% certainty our third child would be a boy, I would still want a third baby.  

Even with all the ups and downs, I’m still ready to ride this roller coaster one more time … no matter the cost of the ticket. 

And tell me - how big of a role did finances play in your own decision to have (or not to have) kids?

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