"Boys will be boys."

Last night, I laid in my hotel room and cried. I let Donald Trump’s ugly words wash over me and the stress I’ve been feeling for months as this race stretches on and on and I cried.

I cried for every friend I’ve had tearfully confess that she had a secret and then share the heart-wrenching details of her sexual assault. I cried over the fear I’ve felt every time I’ve had a man yell sexually explicit things at me on the street. I cried for the people I know – people I believe to be well-meaning good people – who defended Trump’s words and used words like “boys will be boys” and “that’s how it is.”

I cried for Daisy and Audrie, whose stories I had watched a few nights before. I cried for every girl and woman out there witnessing this national discussion and having their own wounds re-opened and exposed.

I cried for my boys. I cried because being their mother can seem like such a daunting task sometimes that I wonder if I have the strength.

You see I realized something as I watched people defend this man’s vile heinous language. I realized why I had been passionately fighting with my own family about rape culture over the past few months.

Because when you say “boys will be boys”, you mean my boys.

You’re implying there is something dark and carnal lurking deep inside my little boys. The ones I cuddle and hold tight. The ones who hold my heart in their grubby little hands as they run and jump and smile wildly up at me. “I love you, Mommy.”

You’re saying that they will grow up and become men and become capable of taking something that does not belong to them, of breaking it, of destroying it.

I am capable of accepting a lot of things about motherhood. I am capable of facing the vulnerability inherent in this endeavor. I can face the lack of control. I can face the frustration and the bittersweet grief. I can even face the inherent risk of losing them forever.

But I cannot and will not accept that deep in their core lurks a rapist.

Of course, there is another underlying presumption when people say “boys will be boys” – when you blame the victim for the fact that she was drinking or flirting or being sexual.

It’s that the boys aren’t dark and sinister for taking because you can’t take what already belongs to you.

I’ve seen it a million times in men who look at me and comment on how I look or how I walk or how I act. You can hear it dripping in every word Donald Trump says on that tape.

You are here for my enjoyment. You have no value outside of what I assign to you.

I laid in my bed and wept because these are the impossible choices available to me as a mother of three young boys in 2016. Believe that my children are capable of rape based solely on their sex OR believe that I have no value because of mine.

There is something dark and cruel lurking deep within but it's not deep within my boys. It's deep within all of us if we continue to support a culture that assumes men are driven to terrible things because they are men or that women deserve terrible things because they are women. 

Culture always wins, but culture can change. 

We can change. 

Stitch Fix: Month Three and My Summer Capsule Wardrobe

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5 for 5, baby!

My Stylist NAILED it this month! I got the adorable maxi dress you see above - that fits like a DREAM. A lightweight short sleeve tee JUST as I was thinking I needed a short sleeve shirt to wear that felt a little more formal. A denim blazer that fits perfect (finally!) and goes with the dress from my first shipment and blouse from my second (which I've been wearing the heck out of) AND looks awesome with the adorable split neck blouse shown above. 

I also got this pair of shoes, which I LOVED. Unfortunately, they were too tight. No big deal! Emailed Stitch Fix and they're sending me the next size up. 

HOLLA!

I'm feeling very good about the state of my summer capsule wardrobe. I currently have about 15 tops and 13 bottoms. I'm not counting church dresses or work blazers, but I feel like that's ok.

Next, I'm going to send my stylist some very specific requests. After putting my capsule wardrobe together (with a little KonMari thrown in for good measure), I realized I need some lightweight layering pieces for cold AC moments and better shorts.

For years, I never wore shorts but chasing three kids they have become a necessity. If my stylist can find shorts I love, well then we will KNOW Stitch Fix is the real deal!

KonMari Your Phone

Y'all. I think I might have cracked the code.

Lately, I've been REALLY struggling with my phone, especially Facebook. I'd find myself mindlessly scrolling through my newsfeed when there were so many other things I could be or needed to be doing.

It had gotten so bad I'd thought about setting a special code for the app but that required ANOTHER app and I wasn't up for that. I tried moving it out of the easy reach of my thumb. I tried turning off notifications. 

Nothing worked.

Come 11pm there'd I'd be laying in bed mindlessly scrolling.

I was JUST about to take a friend's advice to set Guided Access every time I opened the Facebook app when I read an article in the New York Times entitled Read This Story Without Distraction (Can You?) that lays out the case for single-tasking. This bit in particular caught my eye.  

““It’s a digital literacy skill,” said Manoush Zomorodi, the host and managing editor of WNYC Studios’ “Note to Self” podcast, which recently offered a weeklong interactive series called Infomagical, addressing the effects of information overload. “Our gadgets and all the things we look at on them are designed to not let us single-task. We weren’t talking about this before because we simply weren’t as distracted.””

The idea that single-tasking is a skill to be developed really appealed to me so I immediately signed up for the Infomagical series. I can't recommend the entire series enough but it was on Day Two that I learned one thing that changed EVERYTHING.

On Day Two, they teach you how to KonMari your PHONE.

When the host first announced the day's challenge, I actually exclaimed, "OHH!" 

We all know I love me some Marie Kondo and her KonMari method. Why hadn't I thought to apply to my digital life!?! 

The process is simple. You hold down the apps until they do that little jiggle dance. Then you go app by app and decide which app sparks joy... just like Marie Kondo recommends you do with your physical objects.

THEN - and this is key - you put every single app in one folder on your home screen.

Christopher Mims, whose article "The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up – Digitally" inspired this exercise, explains why this is important.

"By putting all of [your] apps into folders, you can search for them by name. What happens is your device becomes task-oriented, instead of the place [where] you go to be like, 'OK, what do I need to do next?'"

This was an A HA! moment for me immediately because this is what happened to my television viewing when we cancelled cable. No longer could I just turn on the TV and let it (or my DVR) lead me where I wanted to go next. Now, I have to decide what I want to watch so I can go find it on Netflix or Hulu or Amazon.

No joke I went from watching 1 to 2 hours of television a night to 1 to 2 hours of television a WEEK.

This approach made sense to me so I immediately KonMari'd my phone.

Every app (except my camera) into one folder.

Literally, five times within the first few hours I would click the home button habitually only for my thumb to drift up to... nothing. I'd realize there was nothing to mindlessly click, abruptly realize what I was doing, and shut down my phone.

I can't overstate the impact of that. I've tried so many times get control of my digital habits but it is difficult because I can't simply go cold-turkey or delete Facebook because of my work. Now, I have an ACTUAL solution that changes my behavior instead of depending on my will power.

It feels like a new day!

Do you struggle with information overload? Show me pics if you KonMari your phone!